Friday, June 30, 2006
Wow. What a day. I am exhausted. I hate fighting. I hate meanness. I don't understand why kindness can't prevail. As I say this, yes I do ... read what I wrote this morning. Satan really attacked us today and we let him win. I'm disgusted. I feel completely defeated right now ... but I know I am not. Feelings are so tricky sometimes. And now I'm sick to my stomach. Literally. I made dinner but I don't think I can eat any of it. My poor kids ... what a day for them today. I'm so sad. I think it is a night to play yahtzee with them and to relax ... Kyle can join in if he wants. I need to love on them. And I need someone to love on me ... the kiddies can do that. The madness of hurting the people we claim to love has to stop. It has to. We are all going to spend all of our time defeating each other and never furthering the Kingdom. I mean Me, Kyle, everyone who fights who claims to love the Lord. It is madness. It is letting Satan have more than a foothold. It is just WRONG. I don't want to let him beat me ... Satan ... he's disgusting. Lord, please reign in my home ... may we seek your face all day and all night! May we love each other desperately. May we seek only to lift one another up. Help me to lose the defensiveness and bitterness. Control Kyle's temper. We are hurting each other and it must stop. It is so vicious. And I'm so tired. God, please heal our home. Make our home a place of rest. I know you can heal this and use it to your glory ... Lord, I'm begging you to intervene in our hearts. We must love with YOUR love.
"Do not let your mouth lead you into sin" Ecclesiastes 5:6a
"The more the words, the less the meaning, and how does that profit anyone?" Ecclesiastes 6:11
"Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools". Ecclesiastes 7:9
"When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, a man cannot discover anything about his future." Ecclesiastes 7:14
"Do not pay attention to every word people say, or you may hear your servant cursing you -- for you know in your heart that many times you yourself have cursed others." Ecclesiastes 7:21-22
This is one of those times when I have opened up the Word and it has addressed exactly where I am in my heart. Wow. I am such an angry person. And I cling way to much to the words that come out of Kyle's mouth. Today LOrd, may I concentrate on you. May I turn to you for wisdom to keep my mouth shut. I can. I know that. I want to. Remind me please of what I desire ... to love. To be loved ... to accept it whole heartedly from YOU Lord .... your Love is what I need ... not Kyle's. Although, I would love to be loved by Kyle ... now it is not what I need to be concentrating on. My relationship with you Lord needs to be the crux of my life.
Foremost in my mind today ... let these words be ... Do unto others as you would have them do to you. I want to only speak words of kindness because that is what I want spoken to me. I want to do the best job I can because I want those around me to do the best they can ... regardless of what their 'best' may be.
Do not let my mouth lead me into sin today Father. Please. I do not want to be a fool. May anger NOT be quick in coming to my spirit. Fill me with your Love that I may be a light today in this house for YOU. Keep me from yelling at my children. Keep me from being angry with Kyle. Keep me from hating him in my heart. I don't really ... it is purely defensiveness. I know that. Heal me please. May I find my complete existence in you. I need YOUR love, your power. Your strength. Your mercy.
Gloria.
It is time to get the day started. I want to take a moment to write something sweet about each member of my family from yesterday.
Klayton ... He is starting to laugh. His little face just lights up like a "light ball" as Koel would call it. Yesterday I watched while Kadi got him laughing. It did my heart a lot of good. THAT is what is important stuff!
Koel ... There was a lightbulb out in the kitchen. Koel was very concerned that my "lightball" was broken. "You lightball is broke" said Koel. I said I know and didn't move to fix it ... so Mr. Koel took himself and went and found a new lightbulb and brought it to Kyle. "Dad, you fix it". So Kyle has no choice but to fix the light'ball'. Cute.
Kadi ... I asked Kadi to help me by bringing Klayton's swing to me outside while I as feeding him. She did it without complaining. I was so proud of her. And I'm learning she needs alot of praise and she blooms under it.
Kennedy ... This girl thrives under a schedule routine. She was all over it yesterday. She flew through her chores and every item on her list yesterday. She was so proud and excited. I am going to have to catch her enthusiasm. You go girl!
Keenan ... Keenan has a dry sense of humor. He is so funny to watch when he makes himself laugh. I appreciate him so much. He can find the humor in so much around him ... even when he's angry ... he can laugh. Good stuff.
And then there's Kyle. Yesterday I was sitting on the floor folding laundry and he was laying on the couch ... he was rubbing my leg with his foot. I guess these are the things I need to write down so I will remember. You don't rub your foot on something you don't like. I will remember that today. Rub away Kyle. Rub away. And ... me ... understand that is affection from him and revel in it!
Another note about yesterday. There was a knock on the door ... I opened it ... it was Derry, Kelly and Cheyenne. Funny. They visited for a while and then moved on to Kansas City. We may go to Ashland, MO. tonight to see Curby perform with Highest Praise ... we'll see them there again. Funny.
"The more the words, the less the meaning, and how does that profit anyone?" Ecclesiastes 6:11
"Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools". Ecclesiastes 7:9
"When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, a man cannot discover anything about his future." Ecclesiastes 7:14
"Do not pay attention to every word people say, or you may hear your servant cursing you -- for you know in your heart that many times you yourself have cursed others." Ecclesiastes 7:21-22
This is one of those times when I have opened up the Word and it has addressed exactly where I am in my heart. Wow. I am such an angry person. And I cling way to much to the words that come out of Kyle's mouth. Today LOrd, may I concentrate on you. May I turn to you for wisdom to keep my mouth shut. I can. I know that. I want to. Remind me please of what I desire ... to love. To be loved ... to accept it whole heartedly from YOU Lord .... your Love is what I need ... not Kyle's. Although, I would love to be loved by Kyle ... now it is not what I need to be concentrating on. My relationship with you Lord needs to be the crux of my life.
Foremost in my mind today ... let these words be ... Do unto others as you would have them do to you. I want to only speak words of kindness because that is what I want spoken to me. I want to do the best job I can because I want those around me to do the best they can ... regardless of what their 'best' may be.
Do not let my mouth lead me into sin today Father. Please. I do not want to be a fool. May anger NOT be quick in coming to my spirit. Fill me with your Love that I may be a light today in this house for YOU. Keep me from yelling at my children. Keep me from being angry with Kyle. Keep me from hating him in my heart. I don't really ... it is purely defensiveness. I know that. Heal me please. May I find my complete existence in you. I need YOUR love, your power. Your strength. Your mercy.
Gloria.
It is time to get the day started. I want to take a moment to write something sweet about each member of my family from yesterday.
Klayton ... He is starting to laugh. His little face just lights up like a "light ball" as Koel would call it. Yesterday I watched while Kadi got him laughing. It did my heart a lot of good. THAT is what is important stuff!
Koel ... There was a lightbulb out in the kitchen. Koel was very concerned that my "lightball" was broken. "You lightball is broke" said Koel. I said I know and didn't move to fix it ... so Mr. Koel took himself and went and found a new lightbulb and brought it to Kyle. "Dad, you fix it". So Kyle has no choice but to fix the light'ball'. Cute.
Kadi ... I asked Kadi to help me by bringing Klayton's swing to me outside while I as feeding him. She did it without complaining. I was so proud of her. And I'm learning she needs alot of praise and she blooms under it.
Kennedy ... This girl thrives under a schedule routine. She was all over it yesterday. She flew through her chores and every item on her list yesterday. She was so proud and excited. I am going to have to catch her enthusiasm. You go girl!
Keenan ... Keenan has a dry sense of humor. He is so funny to watch when he makes himself laugh. I appreciate him so much. He can find the humor in so much around him ... even when he's angry ... he can laugh. Good stuff.
And then there's Kyle. Yesterday I was sitting on the floor folding laundry and he was laying on the couch ... he was rubbing my leg with his foot. I guess these are the things I need to write down so I will remember. You don't rub your foot on something you don't like. I will remember that today. Rub away Kyle. Rub away. And ... me ... understand that is affection from him and revel in it!
Another note about yesterday. There was a knock on the door ... I opened it ... it was Derry, Kelly and Cheyenne. Funny. They visited for a while and then moved on to Kansas City. We may go to Ashland, MO. tonight to see Curby perform with Highest Praise ... we'll see them there again. Funny.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
It is morning. Only 7:00 ... I like that. I am a morning person ... why I don't get up earlier every day baffles me. Oh, could it be the baby ... that might be a good reason ... but now I'm going to get up earlier and read my Bible and spend time getting my brain and heart ready for the day.
"Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed in to judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil." Ecclesiastes 12:13-14.
Wow ... how much do I do in my brain that no one knows about ... God does. I have to remember that. I need to KNOW that. God sees it all. Lord, I am so inadequate. I really have such a goody persona ... oh what people don't know about me ... but You do. Thank you for still loving me despite my ups and downs, my failures. You are amazing Lord. Your LOVE is unfathomable to me. BUT, I know it is real. I know it is there in my grasp.
"A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment?" Ecclesiastes 2:24-25.
I pray today I find satisfaction in my work. Help me to see the good in all things. The good in Kyle. The good in the children. The good in cleaning this house. The good in Kimbra. The good in Khiana. The good in me. May I find JOY today as I go about my tasks. And Lord, I need to get on a schedule. Today is the first day ... make it many ... make me able to maintain the lifestyle that will help us all function better ... all the while keeping in mind that I can do nothing better than to find satisfaction in all that I do. Find contentment in EVERY circumstance I find myself in ... with Kyle, with work, with the kids, with Dad.
It is a new day. I want to live it! I am going to place three Scriptures that I read this morning up around the house. Kyle made a nasty comment to me .. If I would actually read my Bible, I wouldn't have to put Scriptures up around the house. I don't agree. For me .. it is binding the word of God on my heart. It is placing it on the doorframes of my home. It is putting it where my children have the opportunity to read and grow ... and possibly it may encourage Kyle.
Help me today Lord to not take Kyle personally, to accomplish the tasks I need to, to love my children without yelling/frustration, to find time for a friend.
Be with Shawn and Alex today. Bless them. Get them out of the house to LIVE.
Thank you Lord.
"Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed in to judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil." Ecclesiastes 12:13-14.
Wow ... how much do I do in my brain that no one knows about ... God does. I have to remember that. I need to KNOW that. God sees it all. Lord, I am so inadequate. I really have such a goody persona ... oh what people don't know about me ... but You do. Thank you for still loving me despite my ups and downs, my failures. You are amazing Lord. Your LOVE is unfathomable to me. BUT, I know it is real. I know it is there in my grasp.
"A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment?" Ecclesiastes 2:24-25.
I pray today I find satisfaction in my work. Help me to see the good in all things. The good in Kyle. The good in the children. The good in cleaning this house. The good in Kimbra. The good in Khiana. The good in me. May I find JOY today as I go about my tasks. And Lord, I need to get on a schedule. Today is the first day ... make it many ... make me able to maintain the lifestyle that will help us all function better ... all the while keeping in mind that I can do nothing better than to find satisfaction in all that I do. Find contentment in EVERY circumstance I find myself in ... with Kyle, with work, with the kids, with Dad.
It is a new day. I want to live it! I am going to place three Scriptures that I read this morning up around the house. Kyle made a nasty comment to me .. If I would actually read my Bible, I wouldn't have to put Scriptures up around the house. I don't agree. For me .. it is binding the word of God on my heart. It is placing it on the doorframes of my home. It is putting it where my children have the opportunity to read and grow ... and possibly it may encourage Kyle.
Help me today Lord to not take Kyle personally, to accomplish the tasks I need to, to love my children without yelling/frustration, to find time for a friend.
Be with Shawn and Alex today. Bless them. Get them out of the house to LIVE.
Thank you Lord.
Friday, June 23, 2006
Okay, so our family expanded two months ago ... hence now saying I have 6 children. Keenan and Kennedy are finding this real funny. "Does Dad know" Keenan asked ... "NOPE" I say. Ha,ha.
Klayton John Wilkinson was born April 13, 2006. He is a doll. Such a sweet wonderful little Mister. We all love him sooo much ... even Koel. I was concerned about that ... but he is fine. Most people say he looks just like Keenan. I think so too. Keenan just thinks it is wierd in general. Kennedy is a perfect little mommy helper. I really appreciate her help.
I had two men tell me today that I am super girl. Dr. Branson told the kids that they shouldn't be surprised if I come out in a super girl outfit out of a closet. Funny. He kept saying he didn't know how I do it all. AND then at Schnucks a man in line with us said to me that I must be supergirl after he asked if I was babysitting ... I said No of course ... all mine. Funny.
I don't know how I do it all either. God. That's the answer. Purely and simply. God.
I received my homeschool catalog yesterday ... it is 2 1/2 inches thick! Ay-yi-yi!
I hear little boy Koel screaming upstairs. Kadi is asleep. Keenan is saying "Oh great" for some unknown reason, Kennedy is biting her thumb. Klayton is also asleep ... peacefully. So nice. At least every one is relatively quiet ... all will change in about 35 mintues. Khiana and Kambria will be home. Then the world crashes. Now Keenan said "Oh crud". He and Kennedy are reading as I write. Apparently it is the "end of the world" when the girls come home. "uh-hu" Kennedy says. Aren't we cute. All of us.
I bought Six Flags tickets today. The kids are very excited. I am apprehensive. I just need to pray about it .... I don't want to drive past the spot where Angie and the boys died. And there is no way to get to Six Flags without driving by it. I understand that it isn't realistic or rational to never go to Six Flags because I don't want to be on that particular stretch of highway or off-ramp. But I'm not ready to be rational. Just yet. Closing my eyes will be what I do.
It's nearly been a year. That is shocking. 3 years since Bev died. 2 years since Adam died. Funny ... interesting funny ... not funny ha,ha ... how time moves on so quickly ... relentlessly.
Dwelling on it is unacceptable. None of those I know who've been so blessed as to be with Jesus already would want any of us to dwell on their "loss" ... nor would they consider it a loss to be at the side of our Lord! I will look forward to seeing them all again! I can't wait to hear Angie laugh. I can't wait to see Bev tilt her head disapprovingly (but not really) at Jenny ... he,he. I want to hear Adam call Kadi, "Shorty" again. Good stuff.
My kids want me to be funny again. What is funny? I can't be funny on purpose. It happens when I least expect it ... and then I am on a roll ..................
I hear Klayton ... he is calling me '''Wah, Wah" is baby for "Mommy". Alas, I must depart from my blog. But really ... I'd rather be with Klayton than here on my blog ... no offense Blog.
Klayton John Wilkinson was born April 13, 2006. He is a doll. Such a sweet wonderful little Mister. We all love him sooo much ... even Koel. I was concerned about that ... but he is fine. Most people say he looks just like Keenan. I think so too. Keenan just thinks it is wierd in general. Kennedy is a perfect little mommy helper. I really appreciate her help.
I had two men tell me today that I am super girl. Dr. Branson told the kids that they shouldn't be surprised if I come out in a super girl outfit out of a closet. Funny. He kept saying he didn't know how I do it all. AND then at Schnucks a man in line with us said to me that I must be supergirl after he asked if I was babysitting ... I said No of course ... all mine. Funny.
I don't know how I do it all either. God. That's the answer. Purely and simply. God.
I received my homeschool catalog yesterday ... it is 2 1/2 inches thick! Ay-yi-yi!
I hear little boy Koel screaming upstairs. Kadi is asleep. Keenan is saying "Oh great" for some unknown reason, Kennedy is biting her thumb. Klayton is also asleep ... peacefully. So nice. At least every one is relatively quiet ... all will change in about 35 mintues. Khiana and Kambria will be home. Then the world crashes. Now Keenan said "Oh crud". He and Kennedy are reading as I write. Apparently it is the "end of the world" when the girls come home. "uh-hu" Kennedy says. Aren't we cute. All of us.
I bought Six Flags tickets today. The kids are very excited. I am apprehensive. I just need to pray about it .... I don't want to drive past the spot where Angie and the boys died. And there is no way to get to Six Flags without driving by it. I understand that it isn't realistic or rational to never go to Six Flags because I don't want to be on that particular stretch of highway or off-ramp. But I'm not ready to be rational. Just yet. Closing my eyes will be what I do.
It's nearly been a year. That is shocking. 3 years since Bev died. 2 years since Adam died. Funny ... interesting funny ... not funny ha,ha ... how time moves on so quickly ... relentlessly.
Dwelling on it is unacceptable. None of those I know who've been so blessed as to be with Jesus already would want any of us to dwell on their "loss" ... nor would they consider it a loss to be at the side of our Lord! I will look forward to seeing them all again! I can't wait to hear Angie laugh. I can't wait to see Bev tilt her head disapprovingly (but not really) at Jenny ... he,he. I want to hear Adam call Kadi, "Shorty" again. Good stuff.
My kids want me to be funny again. What is funny? I can't be funny on purpose. It happens when I least expect it ... and then I am on a roll ..................
I hear Klayton ... he is calling me '''Wah, Wah" is baby for "Mommy". Alas, I must depart from my blog. But really ... I'd rather be with Klayton than here on my blog ... no offense Blog.
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