Four jobs I have had

1. Wife
2. Mother
3. Business Manager
4. Teacher

Four movies I can watch over and over.

1. The Princess Bride
2. Goonies
3. Sense & Sensibility
4. Pirates of the Caribbean I & II

Four places I have lived.

1. St. Ann, MO
2. Joplin, MO
3. McAlester, OK
4. Florissant, MO

Four TV shows I love.

1. CSI: Miami
2. CSI: New York
3. American Idol
4. Law & Order: SVU

Four places I have vacationed.

1. Disney World in Orlando, FL
2. Niagra Falls when I was small.
3. Grand Canyon (Arizona ... all of it!)
4. Juarez, Mexico

Four of my favorite dishes.

1. Pizza
2. Mexican Casserole
3. Taco Salad
4. Steak off the grill

Four sites I visit daily.

1. Regions
2. Yahoo Mail
3. Yahoo News
4. Jenn's Blog ... (atleast once a week)

Four places I would rather be right now.

1. Pizza Hut
2. 20 lbs. lighter
3. Back Camping on the River
4. Kitchen Table @ Rhesa's house

Four books I have read more than once.

1. Wuthering Heights
2. Anything by Victoria Holt
3. Charlotte's Web
4. The Bible

I am done Christmas Shopping.

After the shock has worn off ... we can continue.

Ok?

I did it all online this past weekend ... LTD. Last year that had NOTHING in the book. This year I covered everyone! Including all our extended family and friends. I'm so excited. It seems like a large number, but when you consider it is for 30 people ... AND some of it is Christmas Decoration ... and a BHG cookbook ... then $550 doesn't seem like much. AND it is good stuff! Things they'll all appreciate. I'm very excited. I'm included in that amount too. Kyle won't have to do any shopping. That'll be nice for him. We're all getting a new large bath "sheet". That will be great. Then I found something each of the kids will love! Actually for each one ... more than one thing ... like 5 things! For me and Kyle, I got some velour sheets. Ooooo ... that'll be nice and warm!

Crazy. It's only July 31. Where will I put it all? But with LTD you have to order quick if you want the good things. So, I did. Then I can use the time between now and Christmas to pay on it. I'm so happy.

Lord,

Thank you for being aware of our circumstances. Thank you for your promise to love us despite ourselves. Thank you for grace and mercy. Thank you for answers. Thank you that you love us despite our failures. Thank you for Jesus. Thank you.

Kyle and Mike had it out and he no longer works for us. Kyle feels so relieved. He was dreading firing Mike. But now it is all over. I'm not sure how it went down, but I know it wasn't pretty. I'm no even sure if Kyle fired Mike or if Mike quit. Lord, I pray that Mike can get himself clean. I pray that he can be a good man. He has a good heart, he's just so screwed up. Please bless him Father. Make your goodness known to him. Bring him into your arms so tight.

But most of all ... thank you for what you've done for Kyle in this. Please help him to see that he can fall on you all the time. Erase the fear and the need to control. May he be broken for you. Broken to your will. And about the truck ... let him wait on you. Wait on your timing for another truck. We don't need to be putting ourselves further into debt God. Please show him what you would have him to do before he makes any further decision on truck matters.

Thank you for VBS at Have Bible. It is so much fun and so refreshing. You are our friend ... why do we so quickly forget? God forgive me.

Kyle has been nicer to me this week so far. My thoughts are that his stress recently has been Mike. God please show him that a man who is quick-tempered is a fool. Your word says so. Please help me to let loose my defensiveness.

We are going rafting/floating with Jason, Lisa, Brian, Mary Helen, and Josh this weekend. I pray that it will be a good time ... healing. That Kyle and I can spend some quality time together. Thank you Lord.

Keenan is awake behind me ... he and I moved the computer upstairs into his room on Monday. It just makes more sense for it to be where I need it to be ... and now the kids have the run of the basement. Good for them. Good for me. And Kyle likes it upstairs because he can listen to music. Good for him too.

I want to start my day with nice things about my kids:

Keenan: We are going to homeschool him. I'm very excited about it. He will more than likely get to work with Dad quite a bit too. He and I will do well together. He is a little sponge and I like that about him. He was cracking me up at VBS last night ... trying so hard to not do the actions during songtime ... he's 10 you know. I could tell he wanted to do them ... just wouldn't let himself. Silly.

Kennedy: Oh how she is going to not like us when we tell her she is going to school this year. That is something about Kennedy .. she has a strong sense of justice. Fairness for all ... especially her. She is a dear. Last night I very much enjoyed watching her at VBS ... she really loves those songs and dances her heart out. I love it.

Kadi: My little social butterfly ... she hasn't met a stranger. Everyone can be a friend for Kadi. She too will be at school this year. I'm glad for her. Her only complaint is she doesn't want to go to Buder ... like another building will be better. Ha. She just wants on Keenan and Kennedy's bandwagon. She'll bloom in first grade and I know it ... please Lord can she have Mrs. Resimius? Kadi also enjoyed VBS last night ... to a point. The songs apparently wore her out. She sat right down on the floor in the middle of all those standing dancing kids. She was done. Funny.

Koel: He kicked Daddy out of the bed last night. Poor Kyle .. he's actually coming to bed and gets moved out by a 3 year old. Koel is nuts to sleep with ... all over the place! Then he'll wake and wonder where Daddy is. Funny. Koel's favorite part of VBS is being at "Skyler's Church". He was so happy to be with Sky last night. He was yelling for her when he lost sight of her and when he found her was dancing with her! Cute!

Klayton: Wow ... #5. He is so funny at VBS ... talks and grins. Talks and Grins. Talks and Grins. Oh, that baby. What a doll. His smile melts my heart completely. And he is beginning to giggle ... it is amazing! So pure ... that laughter. I just love it!

Thank you for today Lord. Thank you for a new opportunity to Glorify Your Name. Show me your word around my home today ... each and every place I have placed a Scripture ... show them to my heart today. Bind them on the hearts of my husband, myself and our children. May we grow each day in knowledge of you.

Thank you.

Today has been better.

We went for a drive with my parents to see New Town ... the kids and I. It was so cool. Hysterical really. We found Chrissy's house. Very fun.

And then we went to the Mills and hung out for like 3 hours. Kennedy did her birthday shopping ... she's amazing at Old Navy. She got like 6 shirts, a skirt, 3 pairs of boxer shorts, a notepad, two pairs of flops for Dad and ONLY spent $52!
I was super proud of her!

I"ll write more later ... just checking in.

God, I don't know what to do. All that I can do is aks for your help. In even saying thats all I can do I feel bad ... it's what I should do first. Am I ? Id on't know.

I will never get running this business correct. It hurts so much because it makes Kyle so angry. I have never claimed to be good at this job. I make so many mistakes and I don't know what to do about it. I just keep getting in trouble.j

PLEASE help me!!!! I can't take his yelling and cursing and all that other crap. I can't take it Lord ... I don't want to take it. It's not what you want for me. I know that. I don't ever set out on purpose to tick him off. I only try to make things good ... and I get told how awful I am in return in much more colorful language. I am so 'defeated' as Kyle likes to point out. I ne4ed you to love me Lord because Kyle won't. Help me.

I want to so bad call a lawyer and just see what costs would be. Is that chickening out? I looked up a number. No body should have to be told on a daily basis that they are a f-b several times in a row.

Why can't he be what I want him to be? He's all up in his crawl about what he needs me to be .. .why ca't I then be in his about what I need him to be? Why does he get torant and rave ... and I have to sit and take it. I want to be married to a man who loves you ... where it is eveident in the way he conducts himself and lives his life .... through his tenderness and prayerfulness. Kyle isn't those things. He is so self-absorbed and angry. Nothing attractive about it.

God help us. We are sunk so low.

It is the fourht of July. Two evenigns in a row leading up to today we've done fireworks and had a blast. Last night was very fun ... Kyle was in very good humor. Jenny was here. Becky was here. Erin was here. Curby was here. ... Kent was here. I don't know that I've ever been involved in that long of a firework display before. Wow. Good times. I can't wait to put the video on the computer and take pictures off of it.

So, Kyle and I are better. Thank you Lord. So much of it all is me keeping my mouth shut and not responding to the stuff he spouts off. He spouts off a lot and if I don't react then it passes. I see that. I know that. Lord, help me to continue to act on that.

I got up this morning and headed to the Wal-mart. I added 'the' ... Becky says it makes it funny. So I went to the Walmart. I purchased Kennedy's birthday presents. FUN stuff! I can't wait to give them to her!

AND ... I was able to go to the thrift store sale. For the first time ever ... I left Unique because I didn't want to stand in line. Shocking. I know. So, Kadi and I went to the one across the street ... we cleaned up ... books and games. Very cool! And a Barbie House. Both girls are way excited about it!

I've made two Texas Sheet Cakes for tonight, and a pot of shells n cheese. One of the cakes has crumbled Butterfinger all over it. YUMMY! I'm also taking my WAtermelon SMirnoff. Yep, my parents will be there ... but I'm sooo having one or two! I really don't think they'll care. And ... what if they did. I'm 33. Never had alcohol until I was 32. Amazing. NO ... I really believe that was God's protection.

We're going to Brent & Stacey's. Should be a good time. I'll let ya know.

Thank you for the blessings in my life ... in people alone Lord ... so many.

Thank you for ... Rhesa, Becky, Lauren, Felicia, Karen, Jenny, Kari, Melissa, Lana, Jackie, Stacey, Gretchen, Aunt Jan, what a blessing ... I'm so grateful for these women and who I am because of them ... My Momma of course too.

Bedtime now. Goodnight Lord. I love you.

Here's another song that speaks to me where I am tonight:

I have wrestled in the darkness of this lonely pilgrim land
Raising strong and mighty fortresses that I alone command
But these castles I've constructed by the strength of my own hand
Are just temporary kingdoms on foundations made of sand
In the middle of the battle I beleive I've finally found
I'll never know the thrill of victory 'til I'm willing to lay down
All my weapons of defense and earthly strategies of war
So I'm laying down my arms and running helplessly to Yours

Chorus:
I surrender all my silent hopes and dreams
Though the price to follow costs me everything
I surrender all my human soul desires
If sacrafice requires
That all my kingdoms fall
I surrender all

If the source of my ambition is the treasure I obtain
If I measure my successes on a scale of earthly gain
If the focus of my vision is the status I attain
My accomplishments are worthless and my efforts are in vain
So I lay aside these trophies to pursue a higher crown
And should You choose somehow to use the life I willingly lay
down
I surrender all the triumph for it's only by Your grace
I relinquish all the glory, I surrender all the praise

Bridge:
Everything I am, all I've done, and all I've known
Now belongs to You, the life I live is not my own
Just as Abraham laid Isaac on the sacraficial fire
If all I have is all that You desire
I surrender all

My heart is very heavy. I find myself alone in my thoughts tonight. I can't express them to anyone but Rhesa and I don't want to continue to burden her. Lord, I need to somehow let loose the heaviness of my heart. I can only think to cry. I ache from the unkindness of my marriage. I don't know what to do Lord. Direct me. Show me what to do. Lead my decisions. Lead my tongue. Keep me in Your word. Grant me the self-control necessary to be pleasing to you in the situation I find myself. I hate to be around people I love and I know love me and be unable to be real ... to be unable to cry out for the help we so desperately need. I don't think anyone would be surprised at all to know Kyle and I struggle in our relationship ... but it is just too much, too ugly, too painful.

I have the words to a song running through my heart and mind right now ... I'm going to search them out and put them in here ...

"In Christ alone
I place my trust
And find my glory
In the power of the cross
In every victory
Let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
Is Christ alone"

God, may this be true of me ... I must stop finding my identity in Kyle. I will be crushed and defeated if that is all I can do. Lord, please show me my identity in YOU. In Christ alone, I place my trust ... may this be so Lord ... I need you. I need only you. I need to fall onto your arm of strength, of hope, of love, of peace. Please Lord ... I need you.

As I looked up the previous words, I found these ...

"In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
Still on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin? curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life? first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
?il He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I?l stand"


Here in the power of Christ I'll stand. I claim your power Lord to find my strength in you. The strength to choose peace over argument. To choose to not have the last word or even the right word. To not be concerned with the 'injustice' as I see it. To not be concerned about my 'rights'. I claim your promise that you can heal. You can heal this marriage that is so dead. Oh how it hurts my heart to hear Kyle verbalize how he feels towards me ... and I say to him I don't know why he can't control those nasty words ... when what is in my heart? Aren't they the same nasty thoughts ... just not verbalized. How much do I hate him in my heart. What about the times I dream about a new husband ... or even about never being married again. The sorrow I have is so deep. God please take my sorrow. PLease take my bitterness. Throw them as far as the east is from the west. I know that you can!

Please keep my tongue kind. Please strengthen me not to retaliate with painful words and ideas. Forgive me for the pain I have caused Kyle.

God, I don't know how to be all that he asks of me. I try to fulfill it all. I buy meat every shopping trip. I clean the house to his specifications. I only open one bread at a time ... it's not me that opens more. I am trying to maintain a schedule with the children, despite outside deterance that often comes from Kyle. I know I make mistakes with the business. God, I know I do. And I am so sorry. I don't try to make them. I ask for help. I am so baffled when they happen most of the time. I will NEVER get this right in Kyle's eyes ... so what am I to do? Direct me please.

And Lord, whatever is up his crawl ... please release him. Release him in YOUR name. I'm so worried about him. I am scared, but you tell me not to fear. I will place Kyle in your hands Lord ... He is your child. You love him. You have placed me in his life and I know you have your way of working good out of all situations if we look to you. Release him from the guilt. Release him from the crap he struggles with. Release him to praise you Father ... PLEASE!!!

Bind Satan from our home ... YOUR DOMAINE!

I don't want to live in fear anymore. Fear of failure in Kyle's eyes. FEar of not being loved. Fear of safety. God, please. Release me from fear. From anger. From bitterness, rage and envy.

I read "Do not pay attention to every word people say, or you may hear your servant cursing you ... for you know in your heart that many times you yourself have cursed others.". Oh how true that is! I pay TOO much attention to what Kyle says.

Teach me to not take him so personally ... to find my strength in YOU. To be only in You. My identity in YOU. My joy in YOU. My peace in YOU> And please ... may I guard my heart from cursing in my heart the people that you love. Shame on me.

Heal this dead marriage God. Set us free from our prison that we might praise Your NAME!