I think I'm crazy. For real. My life makes so much sense to me, and then boom out of nowhere it doesn't anymore. Maybe it isn't crazy so much as confused. Really confused. I try to do what I can ... yet, there's always something. I am not wonder woman ... although I wish I were at times. Super memory girl would be a good title also. Efficiency Woman ... there ... that's it. Just paste a big EW on my chest. Maybe that will suffice. I'm just really, really sad today. My heart hurts. Can I be a rock? A rock of control and efficiency. To be in control of my emotional self and my mental self ... heck, physical self too. What a dream ... maybe a goal. I don't know ... by myself, I feel fine in these areas. I do what I can with what I have to work with. Maybe my house isn't the cleanest place on the planet, but so what. It isn't grungy. It is livable. I don't know how to stretch myself in the areas that need to be stretched ... or so it seems need to be stretched. By myself, I like myself. I understand myself. Until I feel crazy again when something new arises. But then, never new ... always the same. Can I be perfect? That would be nice. Can I think before every word that comes from my mouth? Not even every word, but just to think ... to control every thought before it happens ... to control the muscles of my face. Can I? I sure do try. I try. I try. I try. Who am I? Am I not okay? Am I really lazy? Could I be so filled with things on the inside that present such distress on the outside? Please God ... I just want to be. I just want to be Dacia ... who you've created. Am I not her? Am I so inefficient as I am? Do I require so much change? I know we all do ... and you know where my mind lies at this time. Vagueness ... I'm the queen, apparently. Thank you for Grace Lord ... I need it today. I need it everyday, but today ... noticeably I need Your Grace, acceptance, strength. Show me how to be in and yet out. Show me how to smile when I can't. Show me how to control what I feel I am already. Move me beyond try to do. I want to be above reproach ... above critique. I want to strive to do all and be all. In doing so, I don't want to lose who I am. Who am I? Am I me? I don't know. Who is Dacia. All I know is I wake up everyday and live in survival mode. To be confident and peaceful sounds unattainable. To be organize and consistent ... wow. Each day I try to achieve. I try. I need you to do it Lord. I can't try anymore. I'm done trying ... it gets me no where. It's a circle, a vacuum that I live in. The pressure is busting me at the seams. I want to be pleasing, to be efficient. Can I please? Can you help me? I can't do it.
Can I be Dacia times 2. Can I be me souped up? I wish I could be me and just be fine. Am I so bad? I know you love me. For that I'm grateful. Thank you. The dryer is buzzing ... I must go.