I just learned a great big lesson today.

Kadi ... I had enough this evening. I told her to get her pajamas on, she refused. I went to get the spoon and she went screaming to her room. She knows better than to scream now ... that gets her soap. She still was also refusing to put on her pajamas. I grabbed her by the arm and took her into my room to spank her. She fought me like crazy. That just makes it all worse. I lost it. I yelled and yelled. Then in the midst of it all I discovered that she and Justin had torn up Barbie stuff AGAIN today. That's it. I yelled and yelled at her as she stood there just crying. I even called her a name. I won't repeat it because I've since asked her forgiveness. We agreed to not yell at each other and shook on it. I hugged her, told her I just need her to be a good girl and then put them to bed. Right after I finished praying she pestered her sister. Will she never learn?

Then, I went to tell Keenan goodnight. He was in near a fetal position on his bed. I asked him what was wrong as I hustled and bustled around in his room to clean it ... of course commenting on the mess while I was doing it. He wouldn't tell me anything. So I sat down in front of him on the floor.

When I asked him if he was mad at me ... he said Yes. Because of my yelling at Kadi. He said it makes him freeze. My heart broke. We had a big talk then about yelling and why it is wrong. This is what we came up with ... Jesus didn't yell at us. He chose to be hurt and yelled at himself. He chose to die for us. He showed us love when what we really deserve is much worse. We talked about that is how we are to love each other .. to be willing to be hurt for them. To show kindness and grace.

I asked Keenan to pray for me and for Kadi. We talked too about how we both need to pray for Kadi. I also asked Keenan if yelling ever makes anyone do what's really right. He said No. I said he was right.

Then we cried and prayed together. My son is amazing. He understands so much and sometimes I understand so little.

Kennedy also in the course of the last 45 minutes got her word in too ... she reminded me that when she was little and wasn't good, I prayed for her and she got better. She said I should pray for Kadi that way too.

She's right.

Big lesson learned tonight. Through my children. Jesus loves me and I don't deserve his favor ... especially after the way I treat my children sometimes ... He shows me love and tenderness like I'll never truly deserve except through himself. I must love my children, as Jesus loves me. Patiently, kindly, tenderly, unconditionally. Oh, how conditional I can be.

Thank you Lord for your loving kindness! Thank you for your faithfulness! Your forgiveness!

Make every effort to live at peace with all men ... that includes children!!