Four jobs I have had

1. Wife
2. Mother
3. Business Manager
4. Teacher

Four movies I can watch over and over.

1. The Princess Bride
2. Goonies
3. Sense & Sensibility
4. Pirates of the Caribbean I & II

Four places I have lived.

1. St. Ann, MO
2. Joplin, MO
3. McAlester, OK
4. Florissant, MO

Four TV shows I love.

1. CSI: Miami
2. CSI: New York
3. American Idol
4. Law & Order: SVU

Four places I have vacationed.

1. Disney World in Orlando, FL
2. Niagra Falls when I was small.
3. Grand Canyon (Arizona ... all of it!)
4. Juarez, Mexico

Four of my favorite dishes.

1. Pizza
2. Mexican Casserole
3. Taco Salad
4. Steak off the grill

Four sites I visit daily.

1. Regions
2. Yahoo Mail
3. Yahoo News
4. Jenn's Blog ... (atleast once a week)

Four places I would rather be right now.

1. Pizza Hut
2. 20 lbs. lighter
3. Back Camping on the River
4. Kitchen Table @ Rhesa's house

Four books I have read more than once.

1. Wuthering Heights
2. Anything by Victoria Holt
3. Charlotte's Web
4. The Bible

I am done Christmas Shopping.

After the shock has worn off ... we can continue.

Ok?

I did it all online this past weekend ... LTD. Last year that had NOTHING in the book. This year I covered everyone! Including all our extended family and friends. I'm so excited. It seems like a large number, but when you consider it is for 30 people ... AND some of it is Christmas Decoration ... and a BHG cookbook ... then $550 doesn't seem like much. AND it is good stuff! Things they'll all appreciate. I'm very excited. I'm included in that amount too. Kyle won't have to do any shopping. That'll be nice for him. We're all getting a new large bath "sheet". That will be great. Then I found something each of the kids will love! Actually for each one ... more than one thing ... like 5 things! For me and Kyle, I got some velour sheets. Ooooo ... that'll be nice and warm!

Crazy. It's only July 31. Where will I put it all? But with LTD you have to order quick if you want the good things. So, I did. Then I can use the time between now and Christmas to pay on it. I'm so happy.

Lord,

Thank you for being aware of our circumstances. Thank you for your promise to love us despite ourselves. Thank you for grace and mercy. Thank you for answers. Thank you that you love us despite our failures. Thank you for Jesus. Thank you.

Kyle and Mike had it out and he no longer works for us. Kyle feels so relieved. He was dreading firing Mike. But now it is all over. I'm not sure how it went down, but I know it wasn't pretty. I'm no even sure if Kyle fired Mike or if Mike quit. Lord, I pray that Mike can get himself clean. I pray that he can be a good man. He has a good heart, he's just so screwed up. Please bless him Father. Make your goodness known to him. Bring him into your arms so tight.

But most of all ... thank you for what you've done for Kyle in this. Please help him to see that he can fall on you all the time. Erase the fear and the need to control. May he be broken for you. Broken to your will. And about the truck ... let him wait on you. Wait on your timing for another truck. We don't need to be putting ourselves further into debt God. Please show him what you would have him to do before he makes any further decision on truck matters.

Thank you for VBS at Have Bible. It is so much fun and so refreshing. You are our friend ... why do we so quickly forget? God forgive me.

Kyle has been nicer to me this week so far. My thoughts are that his stress recently has been Mike. God please show him that a man who is quick-tempered is a fool. Your word says so. Please help me to let loose my defensiveness.

We are going rafting/floating with Jason, Lisa, Brian, Mary Helen, and Josh this weekend. I pray that it will be a good time ... healing. That Kyle and I can spend some quality time together. Thank you Lord.

Keenan is awake behind me ... he and I moved the computer upstairs into his room on Monday. It just makes more sense for it to be where I need it to be ... and now the kids have the run of the basement. Good for them. Good for me. And Kyle likes it upstairs because he can listen to music. Good for him too.

I want to start my day with nice things about my kids:

Keenan: We are going to homeschool him. I'm very excited about it. He will more than likely get to work with Dad quite a bit too. He and I will do well together. He is a little sponge and I like that about him. He was cracking me up at VBS last night ... trying so hard to not do the actions during songtime ... he's 10 you know. I could tell he wanted to do them ... just wouldn't let himself. Silly.

Kennedy: Oh how she is going to not like us when we tell her she is going to school this year. That is something about Kennedy .. she has a strong sense of justice. Fairness for all ... especially her. She is a dear. Last night I very much enjoyed watching her at VBS ... she really loves those songs and dances her heart out. I love it.

Kadi: My little social butterfly ... she hasn't met a stranger. Everyone can be a friend for Kadi. She too will be at school this year. I'm glad for her. Her only complaint is she doesn't want to go to Buder ... like another building will be better. Ha. She just wants on Keenan and Kennedy's bandwagon. She'll bloom in first grade and I know it ... please Lord can she have Mrs. Resimius? Kadi also enjoyed VBS last night ... to a point. The songs apparently wore her out. She sat right down on the floor in the middle of all those standing dancing kids. She was done. Funny.

Koel: He kicked Daddy out of the bed last night. Poor Kyle .. he's actually coming to bed and gets moved out by a 3 year old. Koel is nuts to sleep with ... all over the place! Then he'll wake and wonder where Daddy is. Funny. Koel's favorite part of VBS is being at "Skyler's Church". He was so happy to be with Sky last night. He was yelling for her when he lost sight of her and when he found her was dancing with her! Cute!

Klayton: Wow ... #5. He is so funny at VBS ... talks and grins. Talks and Grins. Talks and Grins. Oh, that baby. What a doll. His smile melts my heart completely. And he is beginning to giggle ... it is amazing! So pure ... that laughter. I just love it!

Thank you for today Lord. Thank you for a new opportunity to Glorify Your Name. Show me your word around my home today ... each and every place I have placed a Scripture ... show them to my heart today. Bind them on the hearts of my husband, myself and our children. May we grow each day in knowledge of you.

Thank you.

Today has been better.

We went for a drive with my parents to see New Town ... the kids and I. It was so cool. Hysterical really. We found Chrissy's house. Very fun.

And then we went to the Mills and hung out for like 3 hours. Kennedy did her birthday shopping ... she's amazing at Old Navy. She got like 6 shirts, a skirt, 3 pairs of boxer shorts, a notepad, two pairs of flops for Dad and ONLY spent $52!
I was super proud of her!

I"ll write more later ... just checking in.

God, I don't know what to do. All that I can do is aks for your help. In even saying thats all I can do I feel bad ... it's what I should do first. Am I ? Id on't know.

I will never get running this business correct. It hurts so much because it makes Kyle so angry. I have never claimed to be good at this job. I make so many mistakes and I don't know what to do about it. I just keep getting in trouble.j

PLEASE help me!!!! I can't take his yelling and cursing and all that other crap. I can't take it Lord ... I don't want to take it. It's not what you want for me. I know that. I don't ever set out on purpose to tick him off. I only try to make things good ... and I get told how awful I am in return in much more colorful language. I am so 'defeated' as Kyle likes to point out. I ne4ed you to love me Lord because Kyle won't. Help me.

I want to so bad call a lawyer and just see what costs would be. Is that chickening out? I looked up a number. No body should have to be told on a daily basis that they are a f-b several times in a row.

Why can't he be what I want him to be? He's all up in his crawl about what he needs me to be .. .why ca't I then be in his about what I need him to be? Why does he get torant and rave ... and I have to sit and take it. I want to be married to a man who loves you ... where it is eveident in the way he conducts himself and lives his life .... through his tenderness and prayerfulness. Kyle isn't those things. He is so self-absorbed and angry. Nothing attractive about it.

God help us. We are sunk so low.

It is the fourht of July. Two evenigns in a row leading up to today we've done fireworks and had a blast. Last night was very fun ... Kyle was in very good humor. Jenny was here. Becky was here. Erin was here. Curby was here. ... Kent was here. I don't know that I've ever been involved in that long of a firework display before. Wow. Good times. I can't wait to put the video on the computer and take pictures off of it.

So, Kyle and I are better. Thank you Lord. So much of it all is me keeping my mouth shut and not responding to the stuff he spouts off. He spouts off a lot and if I don't react then it passes. I see that. I know that. Lord, help me to continue to act on that.

I got up this morning and headed to the Wal-mart. I added 'the' ... Becky says it makes it funny. So I went to the Walmart. I purchased Kennedy's birthday presents. FUN stuff! I can't wait to give them to her!

AND ... I was able to go to the thrift store sale. For the first time ever ... I left Unique because I didn't want to stand in line. Shocking. I know. So, Kadi and I went to the one across the street ... we cleaned up ... books and games. Very cool! And a Barbie House. Both girls are way excited about it!

I've made two Texas Sheet Cakes for tonight, and a pot of shells n cheese. One of the cakes has crumbled Butterfinger all over it. YUMMY! I'm also taking my WAtermelon SMirnoff. Yep, my parents will be there ... but I'm sooo having one or two! I really don't think they'll care. And ... what if they did. I'm 33. Never had alcohol until I was 32. Amazing. NO ... I really believe that was God's protection.

We're going to Brent & Stacey's. Should be a good time. I'll let ya know.

Thank you for the blessings in my life ... in people alone Lord ... so many.

Thank you for ... Rhesa, Becky, Lauren, Felicia, Karen, Jenny, Kari, Melissa, Lana, Jackie, Stacey, Gretchen, Aunt Jan, what a blessing ... I'm so grateful for these women and who I am because of them ... My Momma of course too.

Bedtime now. Goodnight Lord. I love you.

Here's another song that speaks to me where I am tonight:

I have wrestled in the darkness of this lonely pilgrim land
Raising strong and mighty fortresses that I alone command
But these castles I've constructed by the strength of my own hand
Are just temporary kingdoms on foundations made of sand
In the middle of the battle I beleive I've finally found
I'll never know the thrill of victory 'til I'm willing to lay down
All my weapons of defense and earthly strategies of war
So I'm laying down my arms and running helplessly to Yours

Chorus:
I surrender all my silent hopes and dreams
Though the price to follow costs me everything
I surrender all my human soul desires
If sacrafice requires
That all my kingdoms fall
I surrender all

If the source of my ambition is the treasure I obtain
If I measure my successes on a scale of earthly gain
If the focus of my vision is the status I attain
My accomplishments are worthless and my efforts are in vain
So I lay aside these trophies to pursue a higher crown
And should You choose somehow to use the life I willingly lay
down
I surrender all the triumph for it's only by Your grace
I relinquish all the glory, I surrender all the praise

Bridge:
Everything I am, all I've done, and all I've known
Now belongs to You, the life I live is not my own
Just as Abraham laid Isaac on the sacraficial fire
If all I have is all that You desire
I surrender all

My heart is very heavy. I find myself alone in my thoughts tonight. I can't express them to anyone but Rhesa and I don't want to continue to burden her. Lord, I need to somehow let loose the heaviness of my heart. I can only think to cry. I ache from the unkindness of my marriage. I don't know what to do Lord. Direct me. Show me what to do. Lead my decisions. Lead my tongue. Keep me in Your word. Grant me the self-control necessary to be pleasing to you in the situation I find myself. I hate to be around people I love and I know love me and be unable to be real ... to be unable to cry out for the help we so desperately need. I don't think anyone would be surprised at all to know Kyle and I struggle in our relationship ... but it is just too much, too ugly, too painful.

I have the words to a song running through my heart and mind right now ... I'm going to search them out and put them in here ...

"In Christ alone
I place my trust
And find my glory
In the power of the cross
In every victory
Let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
Is Christ alone"

God, may this be true of me ... I must stop finding my identity in Kyle. I will be crushed and defeated if that is all I can do. Lord, please show me my identity in YOU. In Christ alone, I place my trust ... may this be so Lord ... I need you. I need only you. I need to fall onto your arm of strength, of hope, of love, of peace. Please Lord ... I need you.

As I looked up the previous words, I found these ...

"In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
Still on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin? curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life? first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
?il He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I?l stand"


Here in the power of Christ I'll stand. I claim your power Lord to find my strength in you. The strength to choose peace over argument. To choose to not have the last word or even the right word. To not be concerned with the 'injustice' as I see it. To not be concerned about my 'rights'. I claim your promise that you can heal. You can heal this marriage that is so dead. Oh how it hurts my heart to hear Kyle verbalize how he feels towards me ... and I say to him I don't know why he can't control those nasty words ... when what is in my heart? Aren't they the same nasty thoughts ... just not verbalized. How much do I hate him in my heart. What about the times I dream about a new husband ... or even about never being married again. The sorrow I have is so deep. God please take my sorrow. PLease take my bitterness. Throw them as far as the east is from the west. I know that you can!

Please keep my tongue kind. Please strengthen me not to retaliate with painful words and ideas. Forgive me for the pain I have caused Kyle.

God, I don't know how to be all that he asks of me. I try to fulfill it all. I buy meat every shopping trip. I clean the house to his specifications. I only open one bread at a time ... it's not me that opens more. I am trying to maintain a schedule with the children, despite outside deterance that often comes from Kyle. I know I make mistakes with the business. God, I know I do. And I am so sorry. I don't try to make them. I ask for help. I am so baffled when they happen most of the time. I will NEVER get this right in Kyle's eyes ... so what am I to do? Direct me please.

And Lord, whatever is up his crawl ... please release him. Release him in YOUR name. I'm so worried about him. I am scared, but you tell me not to fear. I will place Kyle in your hands Lord ... He is your child. You love him. You have placed me in his life and I know you have your way of working good out of all situations if we look to you. Release him from the guilt. Release him from the crap he struggles with. Release him to praise you Father ... PLEASE!!!

Bind Satan from our home ... YOUR DOMAINE!

I don't want to live in fear anymore. Fear of failure in Kyle's eyes. FEar of not being loved. Fear of safety. God, please. Release me from fear. From anger. From bitterness, rage and envy.

I read "Do not pay attention to every word people say, or you may hear your servant cursing you ... for you know in your heart that many times you yourself have cursed others.". Oh how true that is! I pay TOO much attention to what Kyle says.

Teach me to not take him so personally ... to find my strength in YOU. To be only in You. My identity in YOU. My joy in YOU. My peace in YOU> And please ... may I guard my heart from cursing in my heart the people that you love. Shame on me.

Heal this dead marriage God. Set us free from our prison that we might praise Your NAME!

Blogging is addictive. I've decided. Once I get going I don't want to stop .. but I am ... I just wanted to say ... I'm better now.

Wow. What a day. I am exhausted. I hate fighting. I hate meanness. I don't understand why kindness can't prevail. As I say this, yes I do ... read what I wrote this morning. Satan really attacked us today and we let him win. I'm disgusted. I feel completely defeated right now ... but I know I am not. Feelings are so tricky sometimes. And now I'm sick to my stomach. Literally. I made dinner but I don't think I can eat any of it. My poor kids ... what a day for them today. I'm so sad. I think it is a night to play yahtzee with them and to relax ... Kyle can join in if he wants. I need to love on them. And I need someone to love on me ... the kiddies can do that. The madness of hurting the people we claim to love has to stop. It has to. We are all going to spend all of our time defeating each other and never furthering the Kingdom. I mean Me, Kyle, everyone who fights who claims to love the Lord. It is madness. It is letting Satan have more than a foothold. It is just WRONG. I don't want to let him beat me ... Satan ... he's disgusting. Lord, please reign in my home ... may we seek your face all day and all night! May we love each other desperately. May we seek only to lift one another up. Help me to lose the defensiveness and bitterness. Control Kyle's temper. We are hurting each other and it must stop. It is so vicious. And I'm so tired. God, please heal our home. Make our home a place of rest. I know you can heal this and use it to your glory ... Lord, I'm begging you to intervene in our hearts. We must love with YOUR love.

"Do not let your mouth lead you into sin" Ecclesiastes 5:6a

"The more the words, the less the meaning, and how does that profit anyone?" Ecclesiastes 6:11

"Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools". Ecclesiastes 7:9

"When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, a man cannot discover anything about his future." Ecclesiastes 7:14

"Do not pay attention to every word people say, or you may hear your servant cursing you -- for you know in your heart that many times you yourself have cursed others." Ecclesiastes 7:21-22

This is one of those times when I have opened up the Word and it has addressed exactly where I am in my heart. Wow. I am such an angry person. And I cling way to much to the words that come out of Kyle's mouth. Today LOrd, may I concentrate on you. May I turn to you for wisdom to keep my mouth shut. I can. I know that. I want to. Remind me please of what I desire ... to love. To be loved ... to accept it whole heartedly from YOU Lord .... your Love is what I need ... not Kyle's. Although, I would love to be loved by Kyle ... now it is not what I need to be concentrating on. My relationship with you Lord needs to be the crux of my life.

Foremost in my mind today ... let these words be ... Do unto others as you would have them do to you. I want to only speak words of kindness because that is what I want spoken to me. I want to do the best job I can because I want those around me to do the best they can ... regardless of what their 'best' may be.

Do not let my mouth lead me into sin today Father. Please. I do not want to be a fool. May anger NOT be quick in coming to my spirit. Fill me with your Love that I may be a light today in this house for YOU. Keep me from yelling at my children. Keep me from being angry with Kyle. Keep me from hating him in my heart. I don't really ... it is purely defensiveness. I know that. Heal me please. May I find my complete existence in you. I need YOUR love, your power. Your strength. Your mercy.

Gloria.

It is time to get the day started. I want to take a moment to write something sweet about each member of my family from yesterday.

Klayton ... He is starting to laugh. His little face just lights up like a "light ball" as Koel would call it. Yesterday I watched while Kadi got him laughing. It did my heart a lot of good. THAT is what is important stuff!

Koel ... There was a lightbulb out in the kitchen. Koel was very concerned that my "lightball" was broken. "You lightball is broke" said Koel. I said I know and didn't move to fix it ... so Mr. Koel took himself and went and found a new lightbulb and brought it to Kyle. "Dad, you fix it". So Kyle has no choice but to fix the light'ball'. Cute.

Kadi ... I asked Kadi to help me by bringing Klayton's swing to me outside while I as feeding him. She did it without complaining. I was so proud of her. And I'm learning she needs alot of praise and she blooms under it.

Kennedy ... This girl thrives under a schedule routine. She was all over it yesterday. She flew through her chores and every item on her list yesterday. She was so proud and excited. I am going to have to catch her enthusiasm. You go girl!

Keenan ... Keenan has a dry sense of humor. He is so funny to watch when he makes himself laugh. I appreciate him so much. He can find the humor in so much around him ... even when he's angry ... he can laugh. Good stuff.

And then there's Kyle. Yesterday I was sitting on the floor folding laundry and he was laying on the couch ... he was rubbing my leg with his foot. I guess these are the things I need to write down so I will remember. You don't rub your foot on something you don't like. I will remember that today. Rub away Kyle. Rub away. And ... me ... understand that is affection from him and revel in it!

Another note about yesterday. There was a knock on the door ... I opened it ... it was Derry, Kelly and Cheyenne. Funny. They visited for a while and then moved on to Kansas City. We may go to Ashland, MO. tonight to see Curby perform with Highest Praise ... we'll see them there again. Funny.

It is morning. Only 7:00 ... I like that. I am a morning person ... why I don't get up earlier every day baffles me. Oh, could it be the baby ... that might be a good reason ... but now I'm going to get up earlier and read my Bible and spend time getting my brain and heart ready for the day.

"Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed in to judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil." Ecclesiastes 12:13-14.

Wow ... how much do I do in my brain that no one knows about ... God does. I have to remember that. I need to KNOW that. God sees it all. Lord, I am so inadequate. I really have such a goody persona ... oh what people don't know about me ... but You do. Thank you for still loving me despite my ups and downs, my failures. You are amazing Lord. Your LOVE is unfathomable to me. BUT, I know it is real. I know it is there in my grasp.

"A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment?" Ecclesiastes 2:24-25.

I pray today I find satisfaction in my work. Help me to see the good in all things. The good in Kyle. The good in the children. The good in cleaning this house. The good in Kimbra. The good in Khiana. The good in me. May I find JOY today as I go about my tasks. And Lord, I need to get on a schedule. Today is the first day ... make it many ... make me able to maintain the lifestyle that will help us all function better ... all the while keeping in mind that I can do nothing better than to find satisfaction in all that I do. Find contentment in EVERY circumstance I find myself in ... with Kyle, with work, with the kids, with Dad.

It is a new day. I want to live it! I am going to place three Scriptures that I read this morning up around the house. Kyle made a nasty comment to me .. If I would actually read my Bible, I wouldn't have to put Scriptures up around the house. I don't agree. For me .. it is binding the word of God on my heart. It is placing it on the doorframes of my home. It is putting it where my children have the opportunity to read and grow ... and possibly it may encourage Kyle.

Help me today Lord to not take Kyle personally, to accomplish the tasks I need to, to love my children without yelling/frustration, to find time for a friend.

Be with Shawn and Alex today. Bless them. Get them out of the house to LIVE.

Thank you Lord.

Okay, so our family expanded two months ago ... hence now saying I have 6 children. Keenan and Kennedy are finding this real funny. "Does Dad know" Keenan asked ... "NOPE" I say. Ha,ha.

Klayton John Wilkinson was born April 13, 2006. He is a doll. Such a sweet wonderful little Mister. We all love him sooo much ... even Koel. I was concerned about that ... but he is fine. Most people say he looks just like Keenan. I think so too. Keenan just thinks it is wierd in general. Kennedy is a perfect little mommy helper. I really appreciate her help.

I had two men tell me today that I am super girl. Dr. Branson told the kids that they shouldn't be surprised if I come out in a super girl outfit out of a closet. Funny. He kept saying he didn't know how I do it all. AND then at Schnucks a man in line with us said to me that I must be supergirl after he asked if I was babysitting ... I said No of course ... all mine. Funny.

I don't know how I do it all either. God. That's the answer. Purely and simply. God.

I received my homeschool catalog yesterday ... it is 2 1/2 inches thick! Ay-yi-yi!

I hear little boy Koel screaming upstairs. Kadi is asleep. Keenan is saying "Oh great" for some unknown reason, Kennedy is biting her thumb. Klayton is also asleep ... peacefully. So nice. At least every one is relatively quiet ... all will change in about 35 mintues. Khiana and Kambria will be home. Then the world crashes. Now Keenan said "Oh crud". He and Kennedy are reading as I write. Apparently it is the "end of the world" when the girls come home. "uh-hu" Kennedy says. Aren't we cute. All of us.

I bought Six Flags tickets today. The kids are very excited. I am apprehensive. I just need to pray about it .... I don't want to drive past the spot where Angie and the boys died. And there is no way to get to Six Flags without driving by it. I understand that it isn't realistic or rational to never go to Six Flags because I don't want to be on that particular stretch of highway or off-ramp. But I'm not ready to be rational. Just yet. Closing my eyes will be what I do.

It's nearly been a year. That is shocking. 3 years since Bev died. 2 years since Adam died. Funny ... interesting funny ... not funny ha,ha ... how time moves on so quickly ... relentlessly.

Dwelling on it is unacceptable. None of those I know who've been so blessed as to be with Jesus already would want any of us to dwell on their "loss" ... nor would they consider it a loss to be at the side of our Lord! I will look forward to seeing them all again! I can't wait to hear Angie laugh. I can't wait to see Bev tilt her head disapprovingly (but not really) at Jenny ... he,he. I want to hear Adam call Kadi, "Shorty" again. Good stuff.

My kids want me to be funny again. What is funny? I can't be funny on purpose. It happens when I least expect it ... and then I am on a roll ..................

I hear Klayton ... he is calling me '''Wah, Wah" is baby for "Mommy". Alas, I must depart from my blog. But really ... I'd rather be with Klayton than here on my blog ... no offense Blog.

Okay, so there's really so much more to say today. I feel utterly spent. Why is the word "feel" so taboo to men? Is it wrong to "feel" about things. Are my emotions crazy? Are they legitimate? Or am I slowly going nuts. That could be, what with 4 1/2 children, running a business, cleaning a house, and balancing all my relationships. Will I ever be the wife of his dreams? Will I ever have every nook and cranny clean? Will I ever make sure both of the girls have their hair brushed before they get out of the car to go into school? Why do things escape my attention? Heavens to Betsy. Who is Betsy? That's been my saying lately with the kids .... "Heavens to Betsy". I'm sure they're confused as heck. Will I ever maintain friendships they way I truly desire to? Will I ever escape making a money mistake in a month's time? Some days ... I just don't know how to even get out of bed. Will I ever be the mother I desire to be? Why do I let my temper get the best of me? Why does Kennedy argue with everything I say? Why is Keenan so much like me ... the bad ways? Why is Miss Kadi Dene' such a little bully? AND why is Koel into every blessed thing he can get his hands on as soon as I turn my back? Why is it so hard for me to maintain a consistent lifestyle? Why is being discplined in a routine so hard for me? Am I being defeated my own lack of motivation? I function better in routine. Am I just making excuses when I say it is so hard to do right now? Kyle had insight in that ... had a been doing it all along as each child came into the picture, it wouldn't be so hard now when it is VITAL! Will it be easier when we get back to homeschooling? I think it will ... we'll have to have a schedule! For all of us! I've started chores .... again. I told the kids this time though that whether or not they get their allowance at the end of the week will also be their responsibility ... not just mine. They have to make sure all their check-marks are in place! I will remind, etc .... but they need to learn responsibility! Oh me oh my. Will I ever be able to curb the cravings for sweets that I'm so overcome by? Yes, I know it is possible ... done it before ... this time just seems so much harder ... life has been harder ... maybe that's the reason .... probably a lack of faith. Probably me turning to food instead of our sweet sweet Savior. Ah, me oh my. To put that in writing ..... oh me of little faith. I really need to go ... I have things to attend to upstairs.

You know, I think I'm healthier when I blog. It is an outlet ... although I only use it to tell stories from my house .... it still is a creative outlet of sorts ... right?

Koel is watching the Wiggles right now. He loves them. Good thing ... everyone else in the house does too. Today he and I went to get Mommy's Glucose test done. He was such a good boy! I love it when he and I get to hang out by ourselves. Such a doll.

I'm going to get down here more often. I have to. Too much happens.

Here's a story for you ....

I'm checking something on the business software and I hear Koel on the monitor tell Skyler he's going to make popcorn ... so naturally I head upstairs ....

I smell something burning as I reach the top of the stairs.

I round the corner and see smoke coming out of the toaster oven ....

He had stuffed Kadi's homework packet in there and turned it on!!!!

He,he ... but then again ... Crap! He can't be left alone EVER! He is down here with me right now ... scary.

So, I wrote a little note on Kadi's homework to explain the lightly toasted color/odor of the packet to her teacher.

Ay-yi-yi.

Hi ya'll ... yes, I know it's the end of October .. sheesh ... so much going on ... so little time taken to write it all down ... I will one day ....

Here is my afterschool crew .... we get to Buder about 3:05 and wait in a good parking spot until 3:25 when the kids get out of school! See how Koel is dressed? Oh .. he's not ... well .... apparently that is embarrasing to Kennedy at school. I got a "Mother" type of comment from her. I held him outside of the car ... from now on if he isn't dressed, I'll make him stay in the car.
I don't want to be an embarrasment to my daughter. Maybe I should wear bright slippers and my hair in pig tails ... oh wait ... I did that too ... I showed up at school with the front of my hair pulled back in one pig tail on top, sort of, on Tuesday I think it was ... and Kadi giggled "Look at my mommy! She look silly!" to her teacher! What to do ... what to do ....